Big Changes...

“I want to feel something real. I want to be intoxicated by someone’s very presence. I want the butterflies and mixed feelings. I want confusion. I want the mood swings. I just want to feel.” Unknown

I've been neglecting this blog temporarily because I've been so overwhelmed. I still feel a little overwhelmed but I am dealing with it a lot better now I think.

A lot of things have changed. For the better, thank goodness. First is that I've lost another 10 pounds since my last post!! That's 25 pounds total!! It's already being to show too. People have been commenting that it's obvious I'm losing weight. And I've dropped two pants sizes! Shirts that used to be tight on me fit better too.

The other biggest thing that has changed is that I have completely cleaned my whole apartment. It used to be a wreck. It was totally chaotic, a constant weight on my shoulders, and a source of major guilt.

Not only did I clean it, I rearranged my bedroom, cleaned out my closets (and found tons of stuff that I either threw out or donated), organized my desk, and cleaned my couch. The whole place looks amazing!!

It is already making a huge difference in how I feel. The state of my apartment has always affected my state of mind, but I also did it it because I was tired of being embarrassed to invite people into my place. I want to make friends, I want a boyfriend, and I don't want to be ashamed to let them into my home. It didn't even look like a real home before. It does now.

Another great change is that I got a few new clothes. Before, I never felt like I was worth spending the money on, because I am so overweight. I used to feel like there was no point in trying to look nice. There was no point in wearing decent clothes, make-up, doing my hair, because all people would see is my weight. And my weight made me unattractive no matter what I wore. That was my mindset and it was horrible.
So I got some new clothes and even some make-up. I'm making sure that I actually get dressed everyday, even if it's just for a little while.


I'm taking responsibility for my life. I realized that it is up to me to help myself. What's that quote? "God only helps those who help themselves." It's time to help myself. Cause no one else will.

Better than yesterday

For the past few weeks now I have slacked off on walking but I continued to lose weight. As off this morning I've lost 15 pounds total!!

It feels wonderful! I am really proud of myself. But it is time to step it up. Stop procrastinating and finding excuses. The past week has sucked for me emotionally and physically and I am sick of it.

I want to feel good about myself again. I want to be proud of myself again. And that starts today.

I joined a gym. It's just down the street so I can walk there and it is clean and modern and only $30 a month with no membership fees or contracts and I can pay month to month. It also offers yoga, tai-bo, and kick boxing classes for only $5 more.

Today will be my first day going there and I am really looking forward to it.

My new motto is "I'm worth it!" so I also broke down and bought a few new clothes. Nothing special...Wal-mart and Fashion Bug...a few nicer t-shirts. But that is still so much more than I've allowed myself to get in a long time. I just wasn't worth spending the money on before.

But I am sick of walking around in rags because that is all I felt I was worth. I do deserve to feel nice and look nice, even overweight. And that is something I never believed before.

"The Biggest Loser" tv show has been a great inspiration to me over the last month or so. I have totally fallen in love with Jillian and Bob. I would give anything for either one of them to be my trainers. So I was really happy to find "The Biggest Loser Workout" with Jillian on DVD the other day! It was only 10 bucks so I grabbed it.

Today will be a good day. I'm sure of it. I will make sure of it!

A pretty big decision....

In my introduction here I spoke about wanting to have weight loss surgery. More specifically, the Lap-band. It seems perfect for me but apparently I am a little too messed up emotionally in order for them to approve me.

I'm not necessarily arguing with them, and I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last week. I'm totally aware now just how deeply ingrained my self-esteem issues go. And even the small things that I've been doing over the past few days, the little changes (which I'll get to later), have already made a difference in my mood. So much so that I have decided to embark once again on this perilous journey towards weight loss. And I am going to do it without the Lap-band.

Why the sudden change of heart? A couple of months ago I was completely and utterly convinced that without the Lap-band I didn't have a chance.

So what's changed? Something pretty big apparently. I realized I'm worth it.

Not only have I realized I'm worth it, I've accepted it. I believe it and I never did before.

I may have thought I did...but I didn't really...not deep down. And that made a difference. I wasn't ever able to really put everything I had into it because deep down I had already written myself off. So of course I never succeeded. The minute I screwed up it was...well...of course I screwed up. That's all I ever do. And then it's right back to hating myself again.

I like to think this time will be different because it's not just about losing weight. Yes, that's a big part of it, but it's also about learning to love myself again, learning to take care of myself like I never really have before, and this time will be different because I actually believe I'm worth it.

Up next....the ways I am starting to take care of myself and what it means.

Some thoughts on my motivation...

I wrote this out for another journal but I thought I should put it here too since it tells a lot about where my head has been at, which I will get into further later.

It’s all a self-esteem thing.

I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.

It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.

My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.

For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.

Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.

And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.

The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.

I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my legs...to why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.

But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.

So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.

This is serious...

That's my focus right now. Changing my thoughts. I've had it in my head for so long that I'm not worth it. Not worth anything really. It's time I started thinking better about myself and just plain treating myself better.

Today was a good day. I stayed below 1200 calories, I took a long walk with my mom, I got my laundry done and thanks to some new meds I am relatively calm and looking forward to tomorrow.