In my introduction here I spoke about wanting to have weight loss surgery. More specifically, the Lap-band. It seems perfect for me but apparently I am a little too messed up emotionally in order for them to approve me.
I'm not necessarily arguing with them, and I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last week. I'm totally aware now just how deeply ingrained my self-esteem issues go. And even the small things that I've been doing over the past few days, the little changes (which I'll get to later), have already made a difference in my mood. So much so that I have decided to embark once again on this perilous journey towards weight loss. And I am going to do it without the Lap-band.
Why the sudden change of heart? A couple of months ago I was completely and utterly convinced that without the Lap-band I didn't have a chance.
So what's changed? Something pretty big apparently. I realized I'm worth it.
Not only have I realized I'm worth it, I've accepted it. I believe it and I never did before.
I may have thought I did...but I didn't really...not deep down. And that made a difference. I wasn't ever able to really put everything I had into it because deep down I had already written myself off. So of course I never succeeded. The minute I screwed up it was...well...of course I screwed up. That's all I ever do. And then it's right back to hating myself again.
I like to think this time will be different because it's not just about losing weight. Yes, that's a big part of it, but it's also about learning to love myself again, learning to take care of myself like I never really have before, and this time will be different because I actually believe I'm worth it.
Up next....the ways I am starting to take care of myself and what it means.
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Some thoughts on my motivation...
I wrote this out for another journal but I thought I should put it here too since it tells a lot about where my head has been at, which I will get into further later.
It’s all a self-esteem thing.
I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.
It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.
My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.
For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.
Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.
And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.
The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.
I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my legs...to why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.
But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.
So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.
It’s all a self-esteem thing.
I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.
It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.
My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.
For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.
Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.
And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.
The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.
I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my legs...to why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.
But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.
So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
This is serious...
That's my focus right now. Changing my thoughts. I've had it in my head for so long that I'm not worth it. Not worth anything really. It's time I started thinking better about myself and just plain treating myself better.
Today was a good day. I stayed below 1200 calories, I took a long walk with my mom, I got my laundry done and thanks to some new meds I am relatively calm and looking forward to tomorrow.
