I wasn't going to weigh myself until the end of the month, but I needed to add my weight to a calorie and fitness tracker site so I went and weighed myself today.
I LOST 5 POUNDS!!!!
So it is working!! I was worried I wasn't doing enough to lose 1 lb, let alone 5!!
I am so happy right now!! *grins*
Now lets see if I can do it again next week!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Biggest Loser
So I watched my first ever episode of The Biggest Loser tonight. I don't have cable and I missed last weeks premiere so I have to catch up online.
I've heard good things about this show but I had no idea it would be this good. I had no idea it was possible to lose that much weight in one week. I know that I could never lose even 10 pounds in a week, let alone 20 or 30, but it definitely inspired me to work out harder and shoot for maybe 2-3 pounds a week instead of only 1.
I know I need to burn more calories than I am taking in. The difficult part is knowing just how many calories I've burned. I've been staying under 1,200 calories a day, so how much walking do I need to do to make it count?
I am definitely getting a gym membership next month.
I also need one of those doohickies that the Biggest Loser contestents wore around their arms. The thing that registered exactly how many calories they had burned and compared it to how many they'd taken in already and told them how much more they had to do. I'm sure one of those things are expensive though.
I have been doing good with my food intake. It's just the exercise that I need to work harder at.
My goal is to be at least 120 pounds by my birthday next year. That's a year and a half away.
I've heard good things about this show but I had no idea it would be this good. I had no idea it was possible to lose that much weight in one week. I know that I could never lose even 10 pounds in a week, let alone 20 or 30, but it definitely inspired me to work out harder and shoot for maybe 2-3 pounds a week instead of only 1.
I know I need to burn more calories than I am taking in. The difficult part is knowing just how many calories I've burned. I've been staying under 1,200 calories a day, so how much walking do I need to do to make it count?
I am definitely getting a gym membership next month.
I also need one of those doohickies that the Biggest Loser contestents wore around their arms. The thing that registered exactly how many calories they had burned and compared it to how many they'd taken in already and told them how much more they had to do. I'm sure one of those things are expensive though.
I have been doing good with my food intake. It's just the exercise that I need to work harder at.
My goal is to be at least 120 pounds by my birthday next year. That's a year and a half away.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
A pretty big decision....
In my introduction here I spoke about wanting to have weight loss surgery. More specifically, the Lap-band. It seems perfect for me but apparently I am a little too messed up emotionally in order for them to approve me.
I'm not necessarily arguing with them, and I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last week. I'm totally aware now just how deeply ingrained my self-esteem issues go. And even the small things that I've been doing over the past few days, the little changes (which I'll get to later), have already made a difference in my mood. So much so that I have decided to embark once again on this perilous journey towards weight loss. And I am going to do it without the Lap-band.
Why the sudden change of heart? A couple of months ago I was completely and utterly convinced that without the Lap-band I didn't have a chance.
So what's changed? Something pretty big apparently. I realized I'm worth it.
Not only have I realized I'm worth it, I've accepted it. I believe it and I never did before.
I may have thought I did...but I didn't really...not deep down. And that made a difference. I wasn't ever able to really put everything I had into it because deep down I had already written myself off. So of course I never succeeded. The minute I screwed up it was...well...of course I screwed up. That's all I ever do. And then it's right back to hating myself again.
I like to think this time will be different because it's not just about losing weight. Yes, that's a big part of it, but it's also about learning to love myself again, learning to take care of myself like I never really have before, and this time will be different because I actually believe I'm worth it.
Up next....the ways I am starting to take care of myself and what it means.
I'm not necessarily arguing with them, and I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last week. I'm totally aware now just how deeply ingrained my self-esteem issues go. And even the small things that I've been doing over the past few days, the little changes (which I'll get to later), have already made a difference in my mood. So much so that I have decided to embark once again on this perilous journey towards weight loss. And I am going to do it without the Lap-band.
Why the sudden change of heart? A couple of months ago I was completely and utterly convinced that without the Lap-band I didn't have a chance.
So what's changed? Something pretty big apparently. I realized I'm worth it.
Not only have I realized I'm worth it, I've accepted it. I believe it and I never did before.
I may have thought I did...but I didn't really...not deep down. And that made a difference. I wasn't ever able to really put everything I had into it because deep down I had already written myself off. So of course I never succeeded. The minute I screwed up it was...well...of course I screwed up. That's all I ever do. And then it's right back to hating myself again.
I like to think this time will be different because it's not just about losing weight. Yes, that's a big part of it, but it's also about learning to love myself again, learning to take care of myself like I never really have before, and this time will be different because I actually believe I'm worth it.
Up next....the ways I am starting to take care of myself and what it means.
New exercise goal!
While I was just starting out with walking again, during this first week I didn’t push myself to walk more than 20 min.
But since the hardest part is over, I’ve gotten my big butt up and out the door more than once and learned how good it felt…I need to increase my time.
So starting this week my new goal for walking is 45 min! And that’s 45 min of BRISK walking too! Not just leisurely strolling.
I missed one day of walking this past week and it did not feel good at all! I don’t want to go through a re-peat of that.
I started this month at 265. We’ll see how much I can lose by simply walking and cutting my calories below 1500. If It’s not significant enough I’ll add something like my workout tapes. Or maybe I’ll consider joining the local qym.
Now...just a little reminder of what I am working towards!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Some thoughts on my motivation...
I wrote this out for another journal but I thought I should put it here too since it tells a lot about where my head has been at, which I will get into further later.
It’s all a self-esteem thing.
I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.
It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.
My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.
For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.
Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.
And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.
The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.
I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my legs...to why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.
But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.
So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.
It’s all a self-esteem thing.
I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.
It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.
My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.
For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.
Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.
And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.
The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.
I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my legs...to why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.
But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.
So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
My Manifesto....
Titled: The Awakening by an Unknown author.
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
(Found Here)
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
(Found Here)
