Monday, January 11, 2010

A pretty big decision....

In my introduction here I spoke about wanting to have weight loss surgery. More specifically, the Lap-band. It seems perfect for me but apparently I am a little too messed up emotionally in order for them to approve me.

I'm not necessarily arguing with them, and I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last week. I'm totally aware now just how deeply ingrained my self-esteem issues go. And even the small things that I've been doing over the past few days, the little changes (which I'll get to later), have already made a difference in my mood. So much so that I have decided to embark once again on this perilous journey towards weight loss. And I am going to do it without the Lap-band.

Why the sudden change of heart? A couple of months ago I was completely and utterly convinced that without the Lap-band I didn't have a chance.

So what's changed? Something pretty big apparently. I realized I'm worth it.

Not only have I realized I'm worth it, I've accepted it. I believe it and I never did before.

I may have thought I did...but I didn't really...not deep down. And that made a difference. I wasn't ever able to really put everything I had into it because deep down I had already written myself off. So of course I never succeeded. The minute I screwed up it was...well...of course I screwed up. That's all I ever do. And then it's right back to hating myself again.

I like to think this time will be different because it's not just about losing weight. Yes, that's a big part of it, but it's also about learning to love myself again, learning to take care of myself like I never really have before, and this time will be different because I actually believe I'm worth it.

Up next....the ways I am starting to take care of myself and what it means.


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