Saturday, February 20, 2010


When I created this blog, for some silly reason, I thought I should have it connected to it's own email address. I'm realizing now what a mistake that was because in order to update here I am constantly signing in and out of Google, switching between this address and my regular one.

So to make things easier for me from now on I put this blog under my regular email address.

For the few people who might be reading, if you'd like to continue to do so, please go to my blog's new address. You can find it here.

Thank you and I hope to see you there!


Thursday, February 18, 2010

25 pounds down!

So this is how I look after losing 25 pounds. It might not look like much initially but I can already feel the differences and I've gone down almost two pants sizes.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Big Changes...

“I want to feel something real. I want to be intoxicated by someone’s very presence. I want the butterflies and mixed feelings. I want confusion. I want the mood swings. I just want to feel.” Unknown

I've been neglecting this blog temporarily because I've been so overwhelmed. I still feel a little overwhelmed but I am dealing with it a lot better now I think.

A lot of things have changed. For the better, thank goodness. First is that I've lost another 10 pounds since my last post!! That's 25 pounds total!! It's already being to show too. People have been commenting that it's obvious I'm losing weight. And I've dropped two pants sizes! Shirts that used to be tight on me fit better too.

The other biggest thing that has changed is that I have completely cleaned my whole apartment. It used to be a wreck. It was totally chaotic, a constant weight on my shoulders, and a source of major guilt.

Not only did I clean it, I rearranged my bedroom, cleaned out my closets (and found tons of stuff that I either threw out or donated), organized my desk, and cleaned my couch. The whole place looks amazing!!

It is already making a huge difference in how I feel. The state of my apartment has always affected my state of mind, but I also did it it because I was tired of being embarrassed to invite people into my place. I want to make friends, I want a boyfriend, and I don't want to be ashamed to let them into my home. It didn't even look like a real home before. It does now.

Another great change is that I got a few new clothes. Before, I never felt like I was worth spending the money on, because I am so overweight. I used to feel like there was no point in trying to look nice. There was no point in wearing decent clothes, make-up, doing my hair, because all people would see is my weight. And my weight made me unattractive no matter what I wore. That was my mindset and it was horrible.
So I got some new clothes and even some make-up. I'm making sure that I actually get dressed everyday, even if it's just for a little while.

I'm taking responsibility for my life. I realized that it is up to me to help myself. What's that quote? "God only helps those who help themselves." It's time to help myself. Cause no one else will.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm worth it...

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”
e.e. cummings

Monday, February 8, 2010

More thinspiration!

Better than yesterday

For the past few weeks now I have slacked off on walking but I continued to lose weight. As off this morning I've lost 15 pounds total!!

It feels wonderful! I am really proud of myself. But it is time to step it up. Stop procrastinating and finding excuses. The past week has sucked for me emotionally and physically and I am sick of it.

I want to feel good about myself again. I want to be proud of myself again. And that starts today.

I joined a gym. It's just down the street so I can walk there and it is clean and modern and only $30 a month with no membership fees or contracts and I can pay month to month. It also offers yoga, tai-bo, and kick boxing classes for only $5 more.

Today will be my first day going there and I am really looking forward to it.

My new motto is "I'm worth it!" so I also broke down and bought a few new clothes. Nothing special...Wal-mart and Fashion Bug...a few nicer t-shirts. But that is still so much more than I've allowed myself to get in a long time. I just wasn't worth spending the money on before.

But I am sick of walking around in rags because that is all I felt I was worth. I do deserve to feel nice and look nice, even overweight. And that is something I never believed before.

"The Biggest Loser" tv show has been a great inspiration to me over the last month or so. I have totally fallen in love with Jillian and Bob. I would give anything for either one of them to be my trainers. So I was really happy to find "The Biggest Loser Workout" with Jillian on DVD the other day! It was only 10 bucks so I grabbed it.

Today will be a good day. I'm sure of it. I will make sure of it!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It's working!

I wasn't going to weigh myself until the end of the month, but I needed to add my weight to a calorie and fitness tracker site so I went and weighed myself today.


So it is working!! I was worried I wasn't doing enough to lose 1 lb, let alone 5!!

I am so happy right now!! *grins*

Now lets see if I can do it again next week!

The Biggest Loser

So I watched my first ever episode of The Biggest Loser tonight. I don't have cable and I missed last weeks premiere so I have to catch up online.

I've heard good things about this show but I had no idea it would be this good. I had no idea it was possible to lose that much weight in one week. I know that I could never lose even 10 pounds in a week, let alone 20 or 30, but it definitely inspired me to work out harder and shoot for maybe 2-3 pounds a week instead of only 1.

I know I need to burn more calories than I am taking in. The difficult part is knowing just how many calories I've burned. I've been staying under 1,200 calories a day, so how much walking do I need to do to make it count?

I am definitely getting a gym membership next month.

I also need one of those doohickies that the Biggest Loser contestents wore around their arms. The thing that registered exactly how many calories they had burned and compared it to how many they'd taken in already and told them how much more they had to do. I'm sure one of those things are expensive though.

I have been doing good with my food intake. It's just the exercise that I need to work harder at.

My goal is to be at least 120 pounds by my birthday next year. That's a year and a half away.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Monday, January 11, 2010

A pretty big decision....

In my introduction here I spoke about wanting to have weight loss surgery. More specifically, the Lap-band. It seems perfect for me but apparently I am a little too messed up emotionally in order for them to approve me.

I'm not necessarily arguing with them, and I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last week. I'm totally aware now just how deeply ingrained my self-esteem issues go. And even the small things that I've been doing over the past few days, the little changes (which I'll get to later), have already made a difference in my mood. So much so that I have decided to embark once again on this perilous journey towards weight loss. And I am going to do it without the Lap-band.

Why the sudden change of heart? A couple of months ago I was completely and utterly convinced that without the Lap-band I didn't have a chance.

So what's changed? Something pretty big apparently. I realized I'm worth it.

Not only have I realized I'm worth it, I've accepted it. I believe it and I never did before.

I may have thought I did...but I didn't really...not deep down. And that made a difference. I wasn't ever able to really put everything I had into it because deep down I had already written myself off. So of course I never succeeded. The minute I screwed up it was...well...of course I screwed up. That's all I ever do. And then it's right back to hating myself again.

I like to think this time will be different because it's not just about losing weight. Yes, that's a big part of it, but it's also about learning to love myself again, learning to take care of myself like I never really have before, and this time will be different because I actually believe I'm worth it.

Up next....the ways I am starting to take care of myself and what it means.

New exercise goal!

While I was just starting out with walking again, during this first week I didn’t push myself to walk more than 20 min.

But since the hardest part is over, I’ve gotten my big butt up and out the door more than once and learned how good it felt…I need to increase my time.

So starting this week my new goal for walking is 45 min! And that’s 45 min of BRISK walking too! Not just leisurely strolling.

I missed one day of walking this past week and it did not feel good at all! I don’t want to go through a re-peat of that.

I started this month at 265. We’ll see how much I can lose by simply walking and cutting my calories below 1500. If It’s not significant enough I’ll add something like my workout tapes. Or maybe I’ll consider joining the local qym.

Now...just a little reminder of what I am working towards!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Some thoughts on my motivation...

I wrote this out for another journal but I thought I should put it here too since it tells a lot about where my head has been at, which I will get into further later.

It’s all a self-esteem thing.

I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.

It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.

My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.

For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.

Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.

And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.

The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.

I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.

But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.

So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

My Manifesto....

Titled: The Awakening by an Unknown author.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

(Found Here)

This is serious...

That's my focus right now. Changing my thoughts. I've had it in my head for so long that I'm not worth it. Not worth anything really. It's time I started thinking better about myself and just plain treating myself better.

Today was a good day. I stayed below 1200 calories, I took a long walk with my mom, I got my laundry done and thanks to some new meds I am relatively calm and looking forward to tomorrow.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I had an epiphany!

Something came to me this morning that up until now I have been denying. I am addicted to chocolate. And I’m not addicted to chocolate like some people say they are just because they love it. I am addicted like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. I am addicted like a heroin or cocaine addict is addicted to drugs. I have physical, almost painful cravings for it. I go through withdraws. I wake up craving it in the morning and go to be craving it at night.

I was lying in bed this morning trying to rationalize how I could keep chocolate in my life. One part of me said, you shouldn’t have to give it up completely! It’s not like your addicted to hard core drugs that are ruining your life and your body and brain. But then the other part of me said, YES you do! And it IS ruining your life and body and brain! Look at yourself!! Look how fat you are!!! Look how you’ve let being so fat ruin your life!!

So I came to a conclusion, and a painful one at that. I need to give up chocolate.

If I am doing to do this. If I am going to lose weight. I am not going to be able to keep chocolate in my house.

With me, the only way I can ever have the sweet stuff is as some kind of reward for meeting my goals for the week or the month. Then, and only then, can I maybe have a small chocolate sundae from McDonald’s. Or a small baby scoop of chocolate ice cream from Coldstone. Even then my reward will never be able to be brought into the house. Like, I can’t reward myself with buying a carton of ice cream to bring home. Nope….single servings only! Cause I have no control when it comes to sweets. NO CONTROL!! My rational mind seems to disappear around chocolate. So if this time is going to work, I’ve got to get control over this addiction.

So from now sweets in the house and only once or (maybe) twice a week I'll have a small chocolate treat, like a baby scoop of ice cream from ColdStone. But it will be bought outside the house! No more bringing junk back to the house! I can't trust myself!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

This is embarrassing...

I never look at myself in the mirror. NEVER. But if I am going to do this...if I am really going to change things I need to face facts.

So the other night I took a picture of myself standing in front of the mirror. I took that picture and I really looked at it and as usual I was disgusted by what I saw.

But I am telling myself this is my "Before" picture. I will take a picture every month to see how much I have changed.

I am so used to hiding. So used to not facing myself and ignoring facts. That is one of the most difficult things about this. Facing reality. Facing just how messed up I've become.

Day one...

For my first day I think I did pretty well.

I went for a 20 minute walk...down and back to the grocery store to pick up some stamps and some apples to snack on.

I didn't over eat and I drank my water.

So...all in all...a success!

I am focusing on worrying about one day at a time. Yesterday was a bad day and I was pretty desperate not to let this day be a waste. It feels really good to actually do what I set out to do. And getting started is always the hardest part.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A long road ahead...

I can't believe it but I am actually here. Trying again.

I truly worried there for a while that it was really over. That I had really given up. I don't know what changed...time maybe.

I do know that the level of self-hatred I have been dealing with on a daily basis became completely soul-crushing.

Even if I can't see my trying again as anything more right now than attempting to salvage what's left of my life...I guess that will have to do for now. Whatever works, I say.

I just know that I'm so lonely it's killing me and the self-hate has gotten so bad that even I can't stand it anymore.

I need to start taking better care of myself. Simply because I matter. I may not really believe it right now but the hope is that over time, I will come to. steps.

-I bought a case of water (with those little powder flavor packets) instead of more soda.

-I found a nice park to walk in.

-I started picking up my apartment.

-I bought an electric toothbrush because I need to stop neglecting my teeth.

-I started writing in here again.

-I joined the 3 Fat Chicks Forum.

Goals For Today

1. Send out important mail
2. Take my tire to get fixed.
3. Finish cleaning and organizing my apartment.
4. Go for a half-hour walk.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Yes, It's that time again...

Time to start over again.

I fell off the wagon and into a ditch.

But now I'm back and feeling pretty good. At least willing to give it another go, which considering everything, is a pretty big deal. At least for me.

Joined FlyLady again and started going back to counseling. Taking my meds everyday and doing my best to stay motivated.

One day at a time.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Sunday, January 3, 2010

An introduction...

First name: Kelly

Geographical location: Arizona (USA)

Age: 31

Marital Status: Single, never married

Children/Ages: None

Occupation: Social Security Disability

Pets: One kitten, Mia (6 months old)

Hobbies/Interests: Writing, reading, drawing, television, movies, Flylady, Livejournal

Height: 5’3”

Eye/Hair Color: Green/brown

Starting Date of Weightloss Journey: Jan 5, 2010

Starting Weight: 275

Present Weight: 265

Goal Weight: Ultimately 125-130, but my first goal is to get below 200 lbs.

Biggest hurdle to overcome in weightloss: Depression, compulsive overeating, lack of self-control

Following any specific plan: Not at the moment

What is different this time in your weight loss efforts than in the past: I have no idea…I just know it’s try again or give up completely and I don’t have it in me to give up completely.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 17. And through the years..they’ve also added Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality.

The last 15 years have been hell. I’ve gained 150 pounds from my depression..lost all my friends..tried and failed to go to college three times. My self-esteem is non-existent. My self-hatred nearly overwhelming.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in thirteen years. I’ve been alone (aside from my parents) for so long.. I don’t even remember what it’s like to have friends or a boyfriend. But I am so ashamed of my weight that I hate to go out in public because I will be surrounded by reminders and evidence of everything I don’t have. I see women my age with friends.. boyfriends.. husbands.. children.

I have tried so many times to lose weight over the years. I’ve joined gyms…used work out videos…Weight Watchers…swimming…walking…but my emotional problems have always ruined every attempt I’ve ever made. I’ve almost come to look at my mental illness as a physical thing..completely separate from me that I am forced to live with..that is constantly working against me. Making it impossible for me to do anything. So after so many years of trying my hardest.. giving it every thing I had.. and still failing..I lost all hope. I reached rock bottom. And tried to force myself to accept that this will be my life.. That I will die alone and never have anything remotely close to a “normal” life. I will never get to experience falling in love..

That was about 6-8 months ago. I don’t really know what’s changed. Maybe I just needed an emotional break from beating myself up over failing all the time.

I am in the process now of trying to find a counselor that I can work with on a weekly basis.

I would like to have the Lap-band done but it seems I am too emotionally unstable for them to approve me right now. So that will be another one of my goals…to get stable enough to have the surgery.

Right now I am just taking it one day at a time. I tend to get discouraged easily because of my lack of self-esteem so I am trying not to set myself up for failure this time. My goal concerning exercise right now is to walk for at least 20-30 minutes every day. I also need to get control over my eating habits. I have terrible self-control when it comes to food, especially sweets. I’ve been a compulsive, emotional overeater for years so that is going to be difficult for me.

I am starting out by taking baby-steps. I replaced half my Diet Coke consumption with flavored water, stopped keeping sweets in the house, and replaced my snacks with fruits I enjoy. I will be paying attention to calories, but right now my biggest concern is portion control. Learning to eat like a normal person.

I just want to be able to get through the days without hating myself so much. I haven’t been living. I’m simply existing. And if things continue on the path they have been…I will end up completely hopeless, despondent, hospitalized, or worse.