Sunday, January 3, 2010

An introduction...

First name: Kelly

Geographical location: Arizona (USA)

Age: 31

Marital Status: Single, never married

Children/Ages: None

Occupation: Social Security Disability

Pets: One kitten, Mia (6 months old)

Hobbies/Interests: Writing, reading, drawing, television, movies, Flylady, Livejournal

Height: 5’3”

Eye/Hair Color: Green/brown

Starting Date of Weightloss Journey: Jan 5, 2010

Starting Weight: 275

Present Weight: 265

Goal Weight: Ultimately 125-130, but my first goal is to get below 200 lbs.

Biggest hurdle to overcome in weightloss: Depression, compulsive overeating, lack of self-control

Following any specific plan: Not at the moment

What is different this time in your weight loss efforts than in the past: I have no idea…I just know it’s try again or give up completely and I don’t have it in me to give up completely.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 17. And through the years..they’ve also added Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality.

The last 15 years have been hell. I’ve gained 150 pounds from my depression..lost all my friends..tried and failed to go to college three times. My self-esteem is non-existent. My self-hatred nearly overwhelming.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in thirteen years. I’ve been alone (aside from my parents) for so long.. I don’t even remember what it’s like to have friends or a boyfriend. But I am so ashamed of my weight that I hate to go out in public because I will be surrounded by reminders and evidence of everything I don’t have. I see women my age with friends.. boyfriends.. husbands.. children.

I have tried so many times to lose weight over the years. I’ve joined gyms…used work out videos…Weight Watchers…swimming…walking…but my emotional problems have always ruined every attempt I’ve ever made. I’ve almost come to look at my mental illness as a physical thing..completely separate from me that I am forced to live with..that is constantly working against me. Making it impossible for me to do anything. So after so many years of trying my hardest.. giving it every thing I had.. and still failing..I lost all hope. I reached rock bottom. And tried to force myself to accept that this will be my life.. That I will die alone and never have anything remotely close to a “normal” life. I will never get to experience falling in love..

That was about 6-8 months ago. I don’t really know what’s changed. Maybe I just needed an emotional break from beating myself up over failing all the time.

I am in the process now of trying to find a counselor that I can work with on a weekly basis.

I would like to have the Lap-band done but it seems I am too emotionally unstable for them to approve me right now. So that will be another one of my goals…to get stable enough to have the surgery.

Right now I am just taking it one day at a time. I tend to get discouraged easily because of my lack of self-esteem so I am trying not to set myself up for failure this time. My goal concerning exercise right now is to walk for at least 20-30 minutes every day. I also need to get control over my eating habits. I have terrible self-control when it comes to food, especially sweets. I’ve been a compulsive, emotional overeater for years so that is going to be difficult for me.

I am starting out by taking baby-steps. I replaced half my Diet Coke consumption with flavored water, stopped keeping sweets in the house, and replaced my snacks with fruits I enjoy. I will be paying attention to calories, but right now my biggest concern is portion control. Learning to eat like a normal person.

I just want to be able to get through the days without hating myself so much. I haven’t been living. I’m simply existing. And if things continue on the path they have been…I will end up completely hopeless, despondent, hospitalized, or worse.


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