Sunday, January 10, 2010

Some thoughts on my motivation...

I wrote this out for another journal but I thought I should put it here too since it tells a lot about where my head has been at, which I will get into further later.

It’s all a self-esteem thing.

I really had no idea just how low my self-esteem was until not long ago. I’m talking, non-existent here.

It’s hard to admit when you feel worthless and that your life is pointless but that’s pretty much where I’ve been for a really long time. Just trying to get through each day as easily as possible.

My Depression and lack of self-esteem kept me from taking very good care of myself. I neglected myself in just about every aspect of my life. I never bothered with myself because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. And this kind of thinking is about as deep seated as it can go.

For a very long time I haven’t felt like a real person. Real people have lives. They have friends and relationships, and romance. They have things they love to do, things that make them happy. Each day is full of promise. They have options. They have chances. I had very little of that. And what little I did have...such as my love of reading and writing, I clung to with a death grip because it was all I had.

Real people mattered. I didn’t. Real people needed to dress nice and have nice hair and wear make-up because they had options, chances. I had no chance so why bother trying to look nice? Why bother putting on make-up? Even dressed nice and wearing make-up I was still invisible. I still wasn’t real. I still didn’t matter.

And if I couldn’t lose weight, there really wasn’t any hope, so I might as well give up now.

The bottom line was that my self-talk was horrible. I used to have a matra in my head 24/7 that said,”It doesn’t matter.” But now that mantra is “I’m worth it.” I am real and I am worth it.

I’ve made connections between how I handle and deal with just about everything in my life and my lack of self-esteem. Everything from whether or not I shave my why I bite my nails...why I have such a hard time taking all my meds everyday...why I can’t pick up after myself and keep my apartment clean...why I won’t try again to lose weight...why I don’t wear make-up...why I live in rags. It’s all because I don’t feel worthy of anything better.

But I want to feel like a real person again. I want to come back to the land of the living.
So that’s my new year’s resolution. To take better care of myself. To treat myself like I am worth it.

So that is what I am trying to do. It’s been 5 days and I am taking it one day at a time.


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